Thursday, August 28, 2008


I have been seriously MIA from my blog lately. Unfortunately, today's post does not bring a lot of good news. J and I are normally very private about the challenges we face. We have tended to deal with things on our own and not take a lot of help, but right now I am changing that unofficial policy. J is dealing with some serious "grown-up" kind of health issues. I can't go into a lot of details because it is complicated but it has to do with his eyes, blood disorders and a possible immune disorder. He is slowly losing eyesight (that he won't ever get back) due to hemorrhaging in his eyes and having lots of other complications. If we don't figure out what is going on, the loss of eyesight could continue and could lead to even other bad things.

After two weeks of endless tests and doctors, there is still no diagnosis. It is very frustrating because we feel as though each day brings the possibility of his eyesight going completely, or something worse if nothing is done. There is some good news amidst all of this. With J being in medical school he has access to the best doctors and has connections to make things happen a lot faster. All of the doctors he has seen are all working together and have taken a personal interest in his case. Even a doctor who is just a friend's dad has done a lot to help him. He also has not lost all of his eyesight, so if things would just stabilize he could still continue school and do everything like before.

The last bit of good news is the amount of support we are starting to receive as friends and family hear about it. I will be honest in saying we have been under a tremendous amount of stress and worry and just knowing that other people are praying for us and thinking about us makes us feel better. People have offered to watch our kids, cook us dinner and of course pray for us. We are lucky in the fact that J's parents live close by and can help, but just knowing we have people to turn to if the need arises lifts our worries a tiny bit. The most important thing is the prayer. I almost feel embarrassed in asking people to pray for us, but in this case I don't care. We need your prayers.

Needless to say, my mind is not exactly on my blog lately. This health thing has come just at the right time of me starting my new job and Little A starting Kindergarten, so my mind is on overload at the moment. Therefore, my blog posts will most likely not be very frequent until we can get things sorted out. Hopefully good news will come soon.......

Monday, August 11, 2008

D Day

The moment I have been dreading for quite some time is inching closer. In two weeks, my sweet, little baby will be forced to fend for herself in the real world. No longer will I be able to protect her from the wolves that are lurking out there waiting to strip her of her innocence. She will be expected to battle bullies and just say no to drugs. That's right it is time for kindergarten.

I don't know what happened to these past 5 years. Was it not just last week I was in the hospital with contractions??? It is hard for me to put into words what I am feeling right now but I think the biggest emotion is simply depression. The big D. I said it and it is out there. We have all heard of post-partum depression but no one tells you about pre-kinder depression. Well, I have it. I have been thinking long and hard about why this transition is so difficult and I think I have come up with a couple of answers.

1. Little A is so sweet and sensitive and I won't be around to protect her. I never want her to experience any kind of pain and I remember the hard things you have to go through.

2. Our lazy days of laying around in our pjs are numbered, not to mention we can't just pick up and go to the mall in the middle of the week.

3. School work is scary. What if I don't understand it anymore?

4. The term "soccer mom" will soon fit me to a tee as I shuttle her from her various activities. Have you seen the gas prices??

5. We no longer can vacation during the off-season. We are now officially on season travelers and must travel at the same times all the other families do.

6. I am not in control of things. It isn't just me teaching her ABC's. To get things done I will have to battle teachers, principals and school boards.

And number 7 and probably the most important.....
It means I am getting old.

I am only 31 but that isn't the point. I am old enough to have a child in kindergarten and that is a scary thought. I feel as though these last 5 years have just passed by in a blur. Let's be honest the first three years are not easy, so just as I was rounding a corner when Ashley turned three I brought home another bundle of joy and started the cycle over again. Bottom line, 5 years of my life is gone. I have tried to savor the "little moments" like all the books say but it has been hard and now I am out of time. My life is flashing forward and I can't stop it.

I remember when I was a kid and my mom seemed so ancient to me when I started kindergarten and she was ONLY 27!!! I am 5 years older than her (soon to be 32, don't bring it up again). I can only imagine the fossil state I must be in to my kids. Lines are forming on my face, my memory is gone, my metabolism has slowed down and I had to pluck a gray hair not long ago. I firmly believe that once you hit 31 that is when things start going downhill. After all back in like the 1200's people only lived to be 35. I have three more years left before I defy the life expectancy of a medieval person. What I am coming to!!!

Am I selfish to feel this way? After all I should be happy. I have a smart, beautiful daughter who is ready to start school and begin a new, exciting phase. I am happy about all that but you know what? I am selfish and that is ok. I would like to end this post with some miracle revelation that everything is going to be ok, and by the way I know it will be, but until I get past these next few weeks of adjustment I choose to remain in denial and depression and that is ok too.